My first year of sobriety I forced myself to be alone, be alone with the pain and endure it. Intense shadow work required this. I’m all the better for it and found that I am enough and I healed trauma and gained strength. My drinking friends were lifelong friends but frankly as we got older things became more superficial and they weren’t really there for me when I was going through my divorce, which is when I broke down and decided to sober up. I wouldn’t change a thing. The loneliness and pain brings strength, gratitude, awareness of selfhood and you can finally go back out and have new experiences, develop new skills, make new relationships; essentially live a new life, one that you owe yourself.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel it tremendously. I’m in year five of sobriety and honestly love being with myself now. There is no shame or discomfort in being in my own company. That being said, there are just times I really would love to have someone to share thoughts and feelings with and those irl connections have been hard for me to seek out or find. It’s an ongoing challenge for me.
I've learned that the most important thing I can do in this regard is nurture my relationship with myself.
At this point in my life, when loneliness comes up it's because I have chosen to live an entirely different way than nearly all the other people in my life. And, at the end of the day, they just don't get it.
E.g. right now, I have a couple issues with siblings. In a perfect world, I could talk to them about these things. But, one of them is entirely incapable of accepting feedback. With the other, it's a toss up. And, I will not open myself up to be judged or invalidated by them.
It sucks, because I want to be close to them. But, they are incapable of the type of intimacy it would take. Right now they are, anyway.
This is why I need people in my life who are either in recovery, or otherwise committed to their own emotional well being.
It’s true, we are living in a way that most don’t understand AND I find that most people haven’t put in work to truly live an authentic and substantial existence. It’s hard to form connections with others who seem to only be capable of superficial friendships.
Hits close to home for sure. 5 years into sobriety (this time) & I struggle with friend relationships & dating. In general guys want to fix things (me included) so it can be challenging to find male friends especially who will just listen. I also like solitude a little TOO much on the other hand at times & try not to judge myself for it but connection is important. I regularly see articles or hear pods talking about how lonely people don’t live as long etc etc 🙄
I feel this. Honestly, I think my biggest fear is just being older and not having someone who will be here for me and hard times. otherwise, I’d probably be OK just being by myself. And that’s not necessarily a good thing all the time.
I hear ya. Covid lockdowns certainly didn't help my tendency to isolate as well. My nearest relatives were 900 miles away from LA during that period so talk about solitude; let alone my retail biz was shut down for 2 mo of it. I think I forgot how to talk to people. It felt really weird to have the "if I die or am on life support" talk with my 23 yr old daughter a week ago. She's my only child and if I were hit by a bus tomorrow, someone has to be able to p/u the $ pieces, sort out my business, will, etc (which basically means making sure she has my Iphone pin and password app access). Shit, sorry, kind of depressing direction but ties in with your article. I plan not to get hit by a bus for many years to come:)
This really resonated with me. I tried to cling to some old drinking friends in sobriety because I just wasn’t making connections with sober people. I’ve since mostly let those people go too. I’m guessing it’s really that little inside voice that’s been struggling all those years to be heard just saying “you alone are enough. You are your best friend.” I’m getting there. And maybe I’ll find other people along the way that fit, but mostly I want to listen to the voice I ignored the whole time I was drinking. As Charles bukowski said, “who were you before the world told you who to be?” That’s who I want to find. Thanks for sharing this.
What a beautiful, heartfelt post!
A thought from a different, but similar perspective.
The end of a relationship, of a family, is devastating.
Everybody else isn't ready for us stopping the merry-go-round.
The Status Quo doesn't like to suddenly stop and disintegrate.
But change opens a door, a very big door!
Somebody, some day will walk through that door and change your life.
All because you were brave, and opened it.
I really love how you’ve said this. Thank you.
Great post btw
Thank you
My first year of sobriety I forced myself to be alone, be alone with the pain and endure it. Intense shadow work required this. I’m all the better for it and found that I am enough and I healed trauma and gained strength. My drinking friends were lifelong friends but frankly as we got older things became more superficial and they weren’t really there for me when I was going through my divorce, which is when I broke down and decided to sober up. I wouldn’t change a thing. The loneliness and pain brings strength, gratitude, awareness of selfhood and you can finally go back out and have new experiences, develop new skills, make new relationships; essentially live a new life, one that you owe yourself.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel it tremendously. I’m in year five of sobriety and honestly love being with myself now. There is no shame or discomfort in being in my own company. That being said, there are just times I really would love to have someone to share thoughts and feelings with and those irl connections have been hard for me to seek out or find. It’s an ongoing challenge for me.
I totally get that.
I've learned that the most important thing I can do in this regard is nurture my relationship with myself.
At this point in my life, when loneliness comes up it's because I have chosen to live an entirely different way than nearly all the other people in my life. And, at the end of the day, they just don't get it.
E.g. right now, I have a couple issues with siblings. In a perfect world, I could talk to them about these things. But, one of them is entirely incapable of accepting feedback. With the other, it's a toss up. And, I will not open myself up to be judged or invalidated by them.
It sucks, because I want to be close to them. But, they are incapable of the type of intimacy it would take. Right now they are, anyway.
This is why I need people in my life who are either in recovery, or otherwise committed to their own emotional well being.
It’s true, we are living in a way that most don’t understand AND I find that most people haven’t put in work to truly live an authentic and substantial existence. It’s hard to form connections with others who seem to only be capable of superficial friendships.
Hits close to home for sure. 5 years into sobriety (this time) & I struggle with friend relationships & dating. In general guys want to fix things (me included) so it can be challenging to find male friends especially who will just listen. I also like solitude a little TOO much on the other hand at times & try not to judge myself for it but connection is important. I regularly see articles or hear pods talking about how lonely people don’t live as long etc etc 🙄
I feel this. Honestly, I think my biggest fear is just being older and not having someone who will be here for me and hard times. otherwise, I’d probably be OK just being by myself. And that’s not necessarily a good thing all the time.
In hard times *
I hear ya. Covid lockdowns certainly didn't help my tendency to isolate as well. My nearest relatives were 900 miles away from LA during that period so talk about solitude; let alone my retail biz was shut down for 2 mo of it. I think I forgot how to talk to people. It felt really weird to have the "if I die or am on life support" talk with my 23 yr old daughter a week ago. She's my only child and if I were hit by a bus tomorrow, someone has to be able to p/u the $ pieces, sort out my business, will, etc (which basically means making sure she has my Iphone pin and password app access). Shit, sorry, kind of depressing direction but ties in with your article. I plan not to get hit by a bus for many years to come:)
This really resonated with me. I tried to cling to some old drinking friends in sobriety because I just wasn’t making connections with sober people. I’ve since mostly let those people go too. I’m guessing it’s really that little inside voice that’s been struggling all those years to be heard just saying “you alone are enough. You are your best friend.” I’m getting there. And maybe I’ll find other people along the way that fit, but mostly I want to listen to the voice I ignored the whole time I was drinking. As Charles bukowski said, “who were you before the world told you who to be?” That’s who I want to find. Thanks for sharing this.