all alone together

navigating loneliness in sobriety

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

The notion that you can never be alone in a crowd is oversold. Before I got sober, I was the epitome of what one would call an extrovert. I lived for crowded bars, clubs, and social gatherings. If you saw a circle of people enthralled by someone telling an unbelievable story, that someone was me. My phone constantly blew up, and my socials were most active late at night. The ironic thing was that I was the most lonely and sad girl alive if I was honest with myself.

the facade of social interaction

The reality is that simply being around others, especially when partying, generally doesn’t lead to deep connection. For me, these interactions were mostly filled with fuzzy memories of people I may or may not ever see again. I would claim everyone as my “NEW BEST FRIEND” after a couple of shots and divulging my deepest secrets, but I had very few true friends, which would become evident once I decided to get sober.

Additionally, as my addiction grew and my focus turned more to when I could drink again, people who were emotionally invested in me were pushed further away, leading to a greater sense of disconnection. My guilt and shame regarding my actions while drinking also led me to avoid and withdraw from those who honestly cared for me. I arrived where I no longer knew myself and lied to those most important to me about many aspects of my life. Connection dies in this environment.

Photo by Christophe Dutour on Unsplash

relearning who I am in sobriety

After deciding to stop drinking and using, I started to recognize just how far removed I was from knowing myself. I had lost myself many years prior, and with each drink, another part of me faded. It has taken many years of hard work and reflection to reestablish my core values and ethics. I had to start from scratch in terms of understanding what friendships and relationships look like for people who have always done it without an addiction accompanying them. This is no small feat, and I will admit I am not progressing as quickly as I would like. I often find myself battling between thinking the hermit life is good for me and wanting to be more social and trying to make new friends and perhaps even, *gasp*, date.

Take into consideration these factors that led me to feel alone and isolated when I decided to not party:

• I essentially lost all of my so-called friends and connections. I recognized that my drinking buddies were not going to be my cheerleaders in this endeavor, so my contact list got a dramatic overhaul.

• I knew no one who had been through this before. My then-spouse and I had a huge disconnect since I was feeling tons of new and difficult emotions, and he was unfamiliar with how to support me. My parents had never drank, so they didn’t understand, and I wasn’t ready to tell my non-party friends what I was going through.

• I was becoming more and more self-aware, and this was making me hyper-conscious of just how alone I was. I couldn’t drink the discomfort away so I was forced to sit with it.

Photo by Gary Meulemans on Unsplash

feeling better alone

As time has passed, I have found community (this is crucial!) and feel generally happy with life. My phone isn’t ringing off the hook, and my romantic life is non-existent, but I am finally happy with who I am. I love spending time with myself because I can confidently look in the mirror and feel proud.

That being said, feelings of loneliness still come up. At times, I wish I had a close friend with whom I could have coffee and meaningful conversation. Occasionally, I pine for romantic companionship as well. However, I no longer freak out when I feel this way. I sit with those thoughts, journal about them, and recognize that accepting life as it is right now is key to being happy. Our feelings aren’t facts, and my emotions in a particular moment won’t last forever. I’ve gotten through so much up to this point in my life, a small bump in the road will no longer derail me.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Have you experienced loneliness in your own journey through addiction or recovery?

Please leave a comment below and let’s continue this important conversation together. Your voice matters, and together we can work towards a more connected and understanding community.